When I tune in and take a listen to my inner chatter, it's usually filled with detailed, nonsensical, swirling, truncated narratives about things that happened, things that didn't happen, why it happened, what she said, what he did, what I should do, what it all means, what I should have said, how I can't believe they did that — and on it goes in a loop of ego led inquiry and assessment.
But when I get curious on a deeper level, when I examine what the energy and content is underneath the superficial, distracting, chaotic noise, I can feel the judgment, the tension, the scarcity, the anxiety, the longing, the ache, the guarded desires, and shitloads of.....
I'm. Not. Enough.
This is [still] a work in progress. This is [still] an aspect of my childhood wounds that haven't been fully healed; a part of my journey that will likely never end.
Intellectually I know it's not true of course, but I also know it can take a long, long time to get it in the bones, to rewire and reprogram my deep conditioning, to learn how to be fully, in a loving and accepting way, with my tender, achy, wounded parts.
Some people spend their whole life mastering the art of shutting down their feelings and emotions like a "Ninja switch operator". Here comes that feeling — Click! Here comes the pain — Click! Here come the tears — Click, Click, Click, Click, Click!!!
But we aren't really in the light when we "click off" the dark. That's the ego's trick. All that artificial light clicking actually keeps us stuck in the dark, pretending everything is just fine and dandy while we click away our troubles with a myriad of cope and numb.
My daily practice consists of regularly catching myself when I want to reach for the switch. I give pause and reflect on what it is I really need in that moment. What is my belly truly hungry for? What is my mouth longing to give voice to? What is this ache that wants to be known?
It's a practice; I try my best. I go easy on myself. And if today wasn't "perfect" I feel confident enough in my abilities for tomorrow.
It's the quality of the light that's important to me. 🌟☀️🔥
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